I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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