It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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