I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
