I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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