How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize