Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
