then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm getting married
To pizza
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Sorry about my life...
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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