hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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