he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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