I could have mohawked her pubes.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
