omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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