I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
