So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
