i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
