i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
