that's an acceptable place to lick
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
