I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
