Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize