I skipped work to stalk him.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
