It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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