I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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