Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
