Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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