help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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