I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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