Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
