he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
