Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize