He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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