i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
