Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
My sheets look like a crime scene.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize