Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
