At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
