it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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