I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize