I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize