Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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