Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
