i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
