How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
