I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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