I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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