I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
