Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
