You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I feel like death gave me a hand job
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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