my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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