thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Randomize
