dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
