My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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