Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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