u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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