Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
