So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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