So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
