Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
