my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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