Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize