his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
It's blow job season.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
