she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Everyone says I win the strip club
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
A+ Viking dick
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Drunk is a universal language darling
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
