My hair reeks of homosexuality.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
